In January, Sarah was diagnosed with New Daily Persistent Headache.  Simply put, this is when a patient, most often a woman, is healthy but  has a headache that will not go away.  In some cases, the headache follows a virus, a tick bite, or an illness.  In some cases, as with Sarah, there is no reason.  There is no cause.  There is no cure.  And often, there is no treatment to relieve the pain.  The following is an excerpt of a journal that I've started on a NDPH support forum.  At times I feel totally empowered to help her.  At others, completely overwhelmed.

September 13, 2011
This is the day that we can pinpoint that it started. For the year or so prior to this, she was prone to headaches. She would chew gum with aspartame and immediately get a headache. At least three times a week, she would come home from school with a headache. I worried, but not too much. I figured that it was normal, hormonal happenings in a teenage girl. That she was going to have headaches instead of horrible mood swings. They didn't stop her from doing anything she enjoyed. She was still my sweet smiley Sarah.

We were on the way home from the beach when she mentioned that she had a headache when she woke up and it hadn't gone away with the ibuprofen. And it hasn't gone away since. She has had three two hour periods where she has been pain free. The first time, she came to my classroom at school to tell me her headache had gone away, joy in her voice, a light in her eyes. Later on, after school, the joy was replaced by the dark circles. Still, she was hopeful.

The second time it happened, was the day after we started taking the inderal. She told me after the fact, and we thought that the medicine was just starting to work, and this was the beginning of the end. The third time, she didn't even get her hopes up, but waited for the pain to return.

We started seeking treatment in January. I wish we would have/could have started earlier, but financially we were not able to. We have an HRA for insurance and had used it all up. Specialist appointments, if made then, would have to be paid for in full. This was not something we could afford at the time. As it turns out, it really hasn't mattered anyways. Nothing we've done has made any difference in her pain. No doctor we have seen has had any answers or solutions.

She's been a trooper. She's cheered. She's gone to school. She's continued her life as normally as she can, just with a shadow of pain dimming it all.  Some days, you would never know she had a headache.  Other days, she retreats to her room as soon as we get home and sleeps til morning.  The day that it really became clear to me that this was something that I would fight, would research, would do whatever it took to find answers, was the day we shopped for prom dresses.

As a child, I never imagined my wedding or poured over magazines of prom dresses, but Sarah did. This should have been a joyous day. A day of giggles and smiles and hope. Instead, it was a day overshadowed by the headache. A day of lackluster reactions to beautiful dresses. A day of being slumped in the car while we travelled from store to store. This simply broke. my. heart.

It may indeed be NPDH. There may indeed be no cause, no cure, no pill or treatment that will give her relief. But as long as I have breath, I will not stop looking. Never stop looking for that treatment, that diet, that lifestyle change, and if necessary, that pill that will help my daughter reclaim her joy.

I feel like this right now....

except I'm not standing on the ball, but laying prostrate on the floor with the spilled milk in my hair, desperately trying to save the fish, and if it's my house, the dog is peeing in the corner.  And my family is just milling around as if nothing is amiss.  Why?  Because I've been this way for so long that it's my normal.

Except it's really getting to me now, and I'm becoming increasingly discontent in my imbalance.  I can't get it together and it's really driving me just a little bit mad.  At school, my place where I am always organized and together, I'm drowning.  My desk is a pile of unfiled paperwork, unwritten curriculum maps and lesson plans,  ungraded reading units.  At home, where I am never organized, it is beyond the point I consider "no return."  Laundry baskets full of clothes--washed and unwashed.  Baskets full of random toys.  Unfinished homework, unmatched socks, entire rooms devoted to piles of things that we haven't put away and needed somewhere to stash.  Weight loss?  Stalled.  Taking time to exercise means having a free afternoon without a dr. appointment, parent meeting, practice.  Eating right means making the time and finding the money to buy the right things and denying myself the quick fix for the hunger of my stomach and my soul.

I don't really know the solution.  I think women who have it all together must never sleep, never relax, never get lost in a book, never sit down to snuggle with their little ones or listen to a Barbie show, never blog or facebook.  And when do they find time for their husbands?

I'm trying this weekend, as I do every weekend, to regain some of that balance.  We've a rare weekend where we have nowhere to go and nothing to do except stay at home, go to church and to Nanny's for lunch.  I have great plans to get the laundry done and put away, Hannah's homework that we forgot to do this week done, school work completed (I brought home two big bags of it.ugh) Spent a nice evening with the family last night eating what I wanted, vegging on the couch with my babies and big kids watching a good movie (Courageous), ignoring everything but the most important things--my family and my faith.  Today it's time to try to get up off the floor, wipee (for those not mothers, it's when you clean yourself or your child up using a wipee because you are too busy/lazy/or not at home) the milk out of my hair, and climb back on my ball.

Happy Weekend, and Happy Balancing to you all!

Happy Birthday, Maddy!

My beautiful third born, my second daughter, Madeline celebrated her 15th birthday on January 15th.  We were fortunate to be off from school on her birthday, as it was MLK Jr.'s birthday.  We went to church that morning as a family, and then upon Maddy's request, we headed to the lake to visit Grandma and Grandpa.

Waking up 15 years old!

 As soon as we got to the lake, we opened presents.  One of her favorite presents was inspired by her latest obsession, Hunger Games.

 Her main gift, a new laptop.  She had saved some of the money, and for her birthday, we kicked in the rest.

 Hannah and Daryl watching Maddy open all of her presents

 the big kids

 and Charlotte, who chose to play instead!

 Practicing inside....(she didn't let the arrow go inside!)

 and outside

 Then we went ice skating.  Ice skating in Georgia?  Yep.  The Ritz Carlton made an ice skating rink for a few months, so we went and checked it out.

 Hard to believe that I used to be an ice skater.  OK, I was 5, but I still used to be able to make it around an ice skating rink without having to be led around the rink like an old lady!

 You can't tell from this picture, but I did eventually get the hang of it!

 After a dinner of Grandpa's famous hamburgers, we had cake and ice cream.

 and then skyped with Kathleen and "baby cousins"

Happy Birthday Maddy Moo!  We love you!



I'm in a funk.  A blogging funk.  A teaching funk.  A cleaning funk.  A dieting funk.  I just don't want to do any of it, which is really disconcerting to me, because pre-January, I loved to write, loved my job, was determined and eager to have a clean and organized house, and was relishing (no pun intended) eating healthy and working out.

And now?  I'd really like to veg out on the couch with a box of Mike and Ike's and some nacho chips, watching reality television and surfing the net.  All day.  Every day.  Only taking a break to climb into bed and sleep.

I know a lot of it has to do with being tired and not sleeping.  When I work, I sleep.  When I was on vacation for two weeks?  I went to bed late, woke up several times a night, and awoke most days at 4:30 for good.

I know some of it has to do with my struggle with my weight.  I need to have this permanently tattooed on my psyche:

image courtesy of Pinterest

Oh, how I wish that I was one of those people--like most normal people, I suppose--that say to themselves, "I need to lose a few pounds.  I'll just eat less and exercise more.  And once in a while, if I slip up and want a cookie, I'll eat a cookie."  Oh no.  It's this huge twisted mind game for me. ( I wrote a blog post about it last night, and then decided that it was just all too transparent, even for me, and I deleted it.)

And I know that part of it is not enough time with my husband, not enough time with my kids, not enough time to do anything well.  And who knows....the post Christmas blahs?  The winter blues?

It makes no sense at all to me.  I have more to  be thankful for than just about anyone I know.  I love and am loved.  I have everything I need, and most of what I want.  I have a faithful, honest husband, a nice home, healthy happy children, a good job.  A God who loves me beyond my comprehension.

I'm hoping to snap out of this soon--more time in the Word, a little more self forgiveness, and perhaps, if I'm lucky, a little more sleep!

Sarah's Sweet Seventeen

See this little girl in the tutu?

She turned 17...yes seventeen on Saturday.

It was a laid back day full of family togetherness.  Then, at dinnertime, before Josh headed out for his New Year's Eve festivities, we enjoyed Pizza Hut...her choice.

 Then it was time for "Cake!  Cake!  Cake!"  And yes, they really were jumping for joy over the prospect of cake!

 And wouldn't you be jumping for joy over this chocolatey goodness?

 Sisters, waiting patiently....

 What could be better than being serenaded by your daddy?

 "Helping" Sarah blow out the candles...

 Yummmmm,.....cake!

 The little girls had a hard time NOT being the ones to open the presents, so Sarah graciously let them help....excuse me.  She let them open them, and Charlotte opened them all.

 

Sarah's present from us--a new bed!  Daryl was really on the ball with the bed making this break.  He made this queen size farm bed--so pretty, too--in about three days.  We shopped for her new linens a few days before her birthday.  It wasn't a huge surprise, and there wasn't a whole lot for her to open, but she said it was totally worth it!

Christmas 2011

Christmas this year was great...and I got a new laptop! (Thank you to the best husband EVER!) 

Warning......Picture Overload!

(and I have NO idea why halfway through the pictures got huge!)

Sarah and I baked...

and these were so cute that no one ate them!

Our tree...and this is Christmas scaled down.  We started about eight years ago getting only three presents per child to concentrate on the real meaning of Christmas and cut down on the commercialism.   Then the kids started buying each other gifts, and well...this is what scaled down Christmas for seven people looks like! 

 Daryl had time off from school, from the college, and from electrical, and he finally finished Hannah's bed.  Charlotte enjoyed it! (the other picture of Hannah with her bed is on the other computer....will work on getting that!)

 Sweet baby face with long baby hair

 my baby doing very un-babyish things!

 and sporting new big girl hair!

 A Christmas Eve game of Jenga

 and lunch at Sonny's with all the Stones

 We came home to open presents with Maranda

 Despite the face....she loved the coloring book!

 Inspired by "A Christmas Story" and in need of a new Christmas tradition, we went for Chinese.  This is what I got when I asked the girls to smile!

 The elves came while we were out to eat!

 cookies for Santa

 Christmas morning!

 The big kids got phones, so this is what I got from them!

I will be back tomorrow for an end of the year post!